


I think I forgot...

by CrazyKZ



Series: Slave Loki Fic Variations [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Amnesia, Character Death, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Gender Identity, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prison, Prison Sex, Prisoner of War, Psychological Torture, Racism, Self-Hatred, Slave Loki (Marvel), Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-28 06:00:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30135033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyKZ/pseuds/CrazyKZ
Summary: Loki is given to Pierce after captured in Avengers 2012. Hydra takes him and He is tortured and wracked with PTSD, Flash backs, and Panic Attacks until he is a crazy mess. His memory is wiped, and he is handed over to the Avengers to rehabilitate.
Series: Slave Loki Fic Variations [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2217783
Comments: 32
Kudos: 42





	1. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor doesn't listen

Pain.

So much pain.

That was the only thing swimming through Loki's mind. The Hulk had deemed his body an appropriate instrument for redecorating Stark's floors. He had to say though, he did not share in the Hulks interior design preferences.

He lay in the god shaped crater, trying to clear his head. The lights above were doing nothing to ease his headache. He could feel bones mending, and things inside being rearranged. It was extremely uncomfortable, but unfortunately familiar.

He had just died again. But because of Thanos' deal with Lady Death, his daughter Hel, he will never stay dead. Had Hel known the intentions behind the request Thanos made, he would like to think she would not have agreed. Thanos had made it sound benevolent. It probably sounded like a good idea at the time.

He had never visited his daughter so much as he had since the bargain. He died at least once a day for 2 years now. Briefly seeing Hel, before his soul was sucked back into a healing body. It was never enough time for more than a hug, kiss on the head, and for her to say she was sorry. Usually with tears.

He was tired of dying. He was tired of living. He was just bloody tired. But as he healed and his soul melded once again with his body, memories of the last week started seeping in. Like trying to clear murky water to find pebbles at the bottom. Glimpses of things, before a fog swallowed them back up.

One thing he was certain of, he had not been there mentally. The memories were like watching an old Midgardian flickering picture show. He felt disconnected from them.

His mind cleared more and more as time went on.

War.

They were at war. On Midgard...why? Had he come to help Thor? No...that wasn't right. Thor fought him. Why?

A blue light in a stick, almost singing to him. Hypnotizing...creating a mental fog. A blue cube...calling to him. He must hide it. Wait, why did he think that? Someone wants it ... someone monstrous. He needed to get it to Asgard...but...no...the titan had said to bring it to him, and he had planned to...at times. When his mind was a fog. Like being in the dark and following the only small source of light.

But then other times, he felt panicked, urgent. Like he was running out of time to....to what?

Sabotage his own scheme? Yes....

Did he accomplish that? Yes... Probably?

Loki's bones mended enough he could drag himself out of the Depression in the floor. He edged over to a set of pointless steps, and propped up on them. He took in a deep steadying breath, trying to block out the pain.

Noises.

He turned to look behind him. The Avengers stood together and posed. They looked furious. Rightfully so. He had been the villain after all. He let a small smirk and huff escape, as he shifted position. This felt awkward. And what did he always do when things felt awkward? Try to lighten the tension with unwise chatter. Something he thought Stark might relate to.

"If it's all the same to you.... I'll have that drink now." He managed a self deprecating half smile. They didn't seem to appreciate his humor. Didn't even acknowledge that he spoke. He was slightly disappointed. Stark had been witty and their banter amusing. He had hoped the continuation of it would have some affect.

Thor stepped up to him and Loki flinched, trying not to cower. Thor stood him up and thankfully, his legs and spine had recovered enough to stand on his own. It hurt though. Throbbing pain. Captain America walked by, with his righteous attitude, giving commands. Loki couldn't help but mimic him, briefly using a tinge of seidr to copy his form. Thor did not appreciate the humor. He had never been one to make light of situations to help cope like Loki had. Now that Thor muzzled him, he didn't have to worry about his mouth running away with idiotic quips. He enjoyed hearing Starks quips though.

Loki knew he needed to address the chaos in his mind. He Knew that given the chance, he may break down and humiliate himself with tears and pathetic sobs. But no. He won't think about it now. Stay in the moment, only think about what is happening now. Not before. Not after.

After....

He would have to face Odin and Frigga. They thought him dead, perhaps it would be a bitter sweet reunion. Once he explained the threat. That he was covertly undermining the Titan's plans. That he had useful information for the inevitable battle. Perhaps he would even be considered...not a hero, but maybe appreciated? Though he doubted it. He had never been able to get that elusive emotion from others. It was like water in oil. He would hope, that maybe this time...only for the consequences to be far worse then he would have imagined.

Perhaps, if Thor could be brought to understand before arriving on Asgard... perhaps he would help the Allfather to see as well. Odin always responded better to Thor. There were very few times Odin truly gave Thor dire consequences. When he started a war on Jötunheimr being the worst.

Thor had not been tortured into doing it, and had firm control of his mind and body. So what Loki had done, should not be considered as bad. A few dozen more beings had died on Earth. But it was during warfare, not due to an insult. Surely they would see the contrast.

He did not want to be banished to Midgard as Thor had. It had only been three days for Thor. He could handle three days. He probably would not find life changing friends as Thor did, but he had never had friends anyway. Still, he couldn't help the familiar tinge of envy.

They were filing into the elevator, and then several of them stopped the Hulk from coming in. The look on his face was amusing. Hulk glared at him, as if it was his fault. Which was ridiculous. If he wanted to switch places, he would gladly take the stairs alone.

He waved at Hulk, just to aggravate him. While the Hulk scares him, he was also thankful. Had Hulk not killed him, he would still be under Thanos' influence.

Once they filed back out of the elevator, it became apparent another team of people were coming to speak with them. Pierce, he had said.

Loki wasn't paying attention to the interaction of Thor and these mortals. The architecture on Midgard fascinated him. At times it was so bland. Box shaped rooms, slanted roofs, it was all very practical he supposed. Nothing like the sweeping spires and arched halls of the palace in Asgard. Though, Asgard's village homes had a bit of the same practicality. He wondered if they still had palaces on Midgard. He had seen a few, centuries ago. They had turrets, and arches, but still somewhat box like. Starks tower had many windows, and the views were astounding. He rather liked the natural light it let in.

Loki was pushed forward and stumbled due to not being prepared for it. He scowled at Thor with his eyes, trying to convey annoyance. But Thor wasn't paying attention to him.

"I will be back to discuss terms further, once I have consulted with the Allfather. If you wish retribution for his actions, this is your time for it. Use it well."

Loki looked between Thor and the other man. What was going on? Thor wasn't leaving him here, with this man. Was he?

He hadn't told Thor of what happened! He had not explained his actions! He has to warn them of the upcoming threat! He turned to fully look at Thor, trying to catch his attention. He resorted to protesting sounds through the muzzle and trying to grab Thor's arm.

Thor was ignoring him. But he had to listen! His muffled sounds became more desperate, but Thor shot him an angry snarl, which had Loki flinch back. Thor turned back to the paperwork the mortals were having him fill out. Thor would not let him speak. Thor did not want to know. What could he do? Fall on his knees and beg? In front of all these Mortals? The ones who defeated him, no less. He couldn't bring himself to do that. But he needed Thor to understand, if Thor was the one to talk to the Allfather about his punishment!

He tried the sympathetic tactic. He slowly and gently touched Thor's elbow, pleading desperation in his eyes. But Thor rounded on him and got in his face.

"I will NOT play your games trickster! Do not think you can sway me with being even more _pathetic_ than you already are! You have tested me too far, Loki. I will be betrayed by you no more. I am done trying persuade you to being good. It is clear your Frost Giant tendencies will never be tamed! I rid my conscience of you liesmith. We are family no more. Now go with this man, and take your punishments with some dignity like a man, if it is even _possible._ " Thor gave a look of disgust before turning away from him again, back fully facing Loki.

Loki was stunned. In shock. What? He.....I......what? He faltered back a step. Trying to breath again. So there it was. Thor's true opinion of Him. It felt like a slap. He had thought, at least some of those things said, that Thor would be understanding of, out of everyone.

He was grabbed by the arms and led away. He stumbled backwards a bit, trying to still watch Thor, but he followed, unresisting. His shock made him pliable and easy to maneuver for the agents taking him away. Away from the last person that had loved him in the universe aside from his mother. Now only his mother....maybe. Would she feel the same as Thor? Did it matter anymore? He has always been mostly alone. Tagging along with Thor occasionally as a youth. He could always bring his grievances to his mother, he had always had her.

But....had he ruined everything? Was he truly alone now? The pain in his chest sucked at his soul. Sucked out all of his breath. It felt as though he was being hollowed out. The pain of loosing everything and everyone. The pain of rejection, of longing. Of loss.

So much pain.

Pain.


	2. Thor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor regrets his words, and reports to the Allfather.

Thor joined the others after finishing with the paperwork for turning Loki over to the Mortals. He could tell they had heard his outburst, and were feeling awkward. Not making eye contact, staying quiet and busy.

Thor admits he had been a bit harsh, but his emotions had been strung out and on edge. On top of everything, Loki had stabbed him. Again. Yes, it healed a while ago and was a very shallow cut. But it was the principal of the matter. It was annoying that Loki does that. He was more irritated with himself that he never sees it coming. One would think, that after all this time...

"Hey, uh, Point break, Do you think maybe Loki should be taken to a trial or something before SHIELD starts in on the punishment?" Thor looked at Stark, with a slight mournful expression. "Nay, we saw him do what he did. We know it was him. What more do we need to know? If it is necessary on Midgard, you are within your rights to hold a trial. It is in Midgard's hands. Sir Pierce said he would send him back to Asgard when his punishment is complete, and the Bifrost is repaired. That will be as no time for Loki."

Stark nodded, and fiddled with a pen. Clicking it in and out rapidly, the noise filling the silence. "Uh huh. He just seemed, I dunno, desperate to say something to you before he left. Just seems maybe he should be given five minutes or something. On Earth, we're usually give a phone call and a lawyer."

Thor had an expression of pity for Tony. "That would be unwise, man of iron. You do not know Loki like I do. His greatest weapon is his words. He is a liesmith and trickster. To allow him to speak, has the potential to cause chaos and confusion." Thor looked distracted, feeling unsure himself. Loki _had_ looked desperate. Had looked _pitiful_. He had almost been moved to do as he asked. But that is what Loki does. He uses the other person's emotions and goodness against them. He was a good actor when needed. Still....

"Well, it is no longer our problem." Thor finished, resolutly.

Natasha sighed deep, ready to be done with the whole thing. "Did anyone see if Banner has made his appearance yet, or is Hulk still running around?" Stark put a hand to his forehead, the other folded beneath. "I really hope he isn't still Hulked out in my building. Jarv?"

Several of them looked to the ceiling, waiting for an answer. "Mister Banner is resting on a couch in the front lounge. He has received clothes from an employee, and has requested that we alert him if you intend to go out for dinner." Stark clapped his hands together.

"Right! Shawarma! Let's do it!" They filed down the hall towards the garage. Thor paused and looked back towards where Loki had been dragged.

Part of him wished he had heard what the liesmith had to say. He was angry and in the moment, lashed out. But after seeing the shock, hurt and betrayal on his face...part of him wanted to rush out an apology and listen to his brother's words one more time. He truly had mourned for him. Delighted to hear he was alive. But...It hurt to have Loki mock and betray him.

He had almost _wanted_ to hurt Loki with his words. Allowing Loki to speak further...that is just not wise. Loki was always pointing out Thor's foolish sentiment. Loki had disclaimed him as family, and that had hurt. In his moment of anger and hurt, he disclaimed Loki as well. Loki's expression had hurt his heart after his head cleared, and he realized what he had said.

But Loki needed to know how much he disapproved of his actions. Loki had disowned him first....so why did it feel worse when Thor said it? He had never spoken of Loki's heritage with him, other then a few snarky words from Loki. He was still processing the concept really. He could not imagine the brother he grew up with, being the same as the monsters he had fought. They were nothing alike. He felt bad for throwing it in Loki's face now, when he was probably desperate for acceptance. And to mock his manhood, now that he knows of his dual gendar. However that works. It would dig at the hurt of being called ergi all growing up.

They were low blows, which Thor rarely resorted to. That was Loki's schtick. Now he remembered why. The guilt of seeing the cutting words take effect, was not worth the verbal win. And he HAD won. Loki stopped immediatly, and backed off. Too shocked to do anything further. Accepting Thor's words as truth without challenging them, meant he had already thought it to be true.

He probably would have been fishing for Thor to state that he DIDN't feel that way. But instead, Thor had confirmed it. Thor hoped maybe he could visit his Brother before leaving for Asgard. He needed to tell him that it wasn't how he truly felt. That he was still his brother. That he still loved him.

* * *

Loki sat on the metal slab bed, still in shock. He stared at nothing, feeling disconnected from his body. His mind was a mess. Memories of his time on Midgard were still making themselves known. A flash or surge of a memory would flood his thoughts for a moment, before fading into the background.

He had done so much damage. So many died. Needlessly. So many innocents hurt or dead, simply because they were in the wrong time and place. Buildings had collapsed, probably killing hundreds of people in each.

He was starting to hyperventilate through his nose. He couldn't get enough air! The muzzle blocking the best passage for it, and it was enhancing his panic. He held his chest, as it felt tight and painful. Was he having a heart malfunction? It hurt! He bent over, still holding his chest.

It felt like when his sternum was being pulled apart by the chitari. He let out a whining groan.

Help. He needed help!

He got up and stumbled to the door. Pounding on it and screaming through the muzzle, though it seemed to be useless. He saw no-one through the small window. Though when he paused and leaned against the door, he could hear muffled voices echoing through the metal. But that meant....that meant, they were ignoring him.

He pounded on it again with both of his cuffed hands. His strength making the sound boom through the building. But they still didn't come. Hands flat against the door, he leaned forward and rested his forehead on it. They would not be coming.

His breathing had evened out somewhat though, and the pressure on his chest had eased. The distraction must have helped. He turned and leaned his back against the door, before sliding down to the floor, knees up and arms resting on them. He was truly abandoned. Even his new management was abandoning him.

He wished he could finally die. His daughter would accept him back if she could. But she could not break the oath made to the Norns. So he was cursed to continue living. He squeezed his knees in tighter and rested his head on them.

He needed to tell someone of the upcoming threat, if not his plans to thwart Thanos' plan to get the stones. Because of Loki, two stones were now out of his grasp. He had taken one from him, and brought the one he sought after to Thor, in the end. True he had been lost to the mind stone for much of it. He did need to make it look as though he was trying to win, or the mad titan would seek him out to torment him worse than before.

Loki shuttered at the thought. Before had been bad. He could not imagine what more they could do, and did _not_ want to find out. The thought of protecting Asgard, his family, and the whole nine realms is what helped him last as long as he did. He was loyal and protective of it. But now he had been abandoned by everyone.

How would he survive another never ending round of tortures? He could feel his mind unravelling, succumbing to hopelessness and depression. He started rocking, whines escaping without his intention to.

His future looked truly bleak.

Tears fell onto his tattered, dirty armor, streaking through dirt and blood.

* * *

Thor patted the backs of his friends, saying farewells. He had wanted to say farewell to Loki, but had not had success in finding the location they took him to, and he ran out of time to search further. He would hopefully be returning with his Father's verdict for Loki's future, and they could talk then.

He grasped the container with the tesseract, then twisted the locking side. He gave one last smile of farewell, as the rainbow enclosed around him.

Walking into the observatory, he spotted Heimdall and they exchanged polite nods of welcome. His hammer was retrieved from his side, and Thor spun it and took off towards the palace.

He walked in the throne room with confidence, knowing his parents were anxious for his report and eager to speak with him. His father fixed him with a regal stare. "What news have you of Loki, my son?" Thor dropped into the one knee bow expected of his rank.

"Loki is secured and can no longer cause chaos and destruction. He had intended to take over Midgard as their king. An army of Chitahuri were at his command. I joined with a group of exceptional Midgardians, and together thwarted Loki's scheme. The mortals requested to have the chance to gain recompense for Loki's actions, and I acquiesced. We signed an agreement contract, stating they have permission to carry out any decided punishment for his crimes. Once the decided punishment is carried out, and the Bifrost is mended, I will visit them to complete negotiations and likely bring Loki home."

The royal couple stayed quiet through Thor's report, listening intently. His father nodded and sounded content with the outcome. "Well done my son. Though, I am not sure Loki should return to Asgard. The knowledge of his heritage has been spread, and the people are in outrage. He only brings chaos and death wherever he goes. I believe it to be wise to keep him on Midgard, banished and contained. Until he can prove his worthiness of being on Asgard. How are the mortals able to contain him?"

Thor did not like the idea of Loki staying on Midgard for an indefinite amount of time. He had hoped a few years..."I left with them the magic suppressing cuffs, as well as the muzzle. I also left the other items you entrusted me with for controlling him and gave permission for them to be used if needed. Loki may easily manipulate those of weak minds, and I gave instructions on how to use them to prevent or stop it. I also gave basic instructions in the caring of a Frost Giant. Such as temperature, how often and what quantity he consumes for sustenance, How well he heals with and without the cuffs and things to watch for to hint Loki has access to Magic, should he find a way to access it."

Odin nodded "He may not need to fulfill his entire duration of banishment on Midgard. Jotunheim also vie for a chance at retribution. It is likely he will be sent there once the mortals are satisfied. But I do not intend for him to return to Asgard for much time."

Thor gulped. The idea of Loki being at the mercy of the frost Giants for punishment, after slaying his father and their king, then destroying a portion of the planet, was not a pleasant one. Thor had to admit though, once he had learned the details of Loki's actions during that time, It seemed to Thor that Loki's actions were sound, necessary, and brilliant, and was not sure sure why he would need punishment for any of those actions.

Loki had rightfully been appointed King regent, Then had been betrayed by his warriors and the gate keeper. He had a pending war to deal with, that Thor had started. Keeping Thor on Midgard both Allowed Loki to be King and complete his plan, proving himself, but also Thor would not be able to make things worse. Loki probably had not expected Thor would change so completely, and knew his actions were often brash and without thought. Thor had not been ready to be King, and would have been if he returned.

Loki both took out the king of Jötunheimr, and would have wiped out the entire threat forever single handedly. No war. No Asgardian deaths. It was brilliant. Much more clean cut than any war Odin had waged when conquring the nine.

But he was sure the Jotuns would not see it that way, should they get their hands on him.

The thought made him very uneasy.

"As you say Father." Thor glanced at his mother.

She looked distraught.


	3. Breaking Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is kept in a White Room.

**Many days into his solitude, if not weeks-**

He had no way of knowing how long. The lights never turned off, and he saw no-one. He sat on the floor in the corner of the room, rocking. He stared at nothing. Cared about nothing.

In the beginning his mind could not stop obsessing over the gruesome details of his invasion. His heart hurt and he wept many tears of remorse. It had been necessary, but that did not make anyone feel any better about the death and loss he had caused. He loathed his part in it.

Replaying over and over what happened, and if he could have done things different. If he could have told Thor from the beginning....but no. Thor was a terrible actor and even worse liar. Thanos would find out and attack on top of Loki's attack, taking over the invasion and imprisoning Loki.

Perhaps one of the mortals could have helped...But he hadn't thought it necessary to bring any of them in on it and risk Thanos finding out. Endangering them even further.

Barton should have had some idea of his plans and intentions, but he seemed to be too angry now about being controlled to think on it clearly.

He had left hints for Thor. He had said to Thor before, that he never wanted the throne. So fighting to rule a realm should have been far enough out of character, one would think Thor would have caught on.

The fact the whole battle was a laughable strategy, and nothing like Loki's typical cunning, should have alerted Thor to the fact He was not trying.

The fact he waited till the city was almost evacuated, and he made his base on the most obvious landmark in New York to launch the attack, then waited for them to arrive on top of that....should it not have been obvious?

He had allowed himself to be captured early on, to rally them up and drop clues. He wondered if they knew he had let himself be caught, and why they thought that was. Barton should be able to tell them now, right? Or perhaps now that it is over, they will think no more on the matter. Thinking all is as it should be.

Then there is also the fact he barely used any of his seidr abilities, other than visual tricks. When he mimicked the Captain, he had hoped one of them may catch on to the fact, he could have used that during the battle, and didn't. He could have acted as one of them. As any leader.

His fighting was paltry compared to his fighting any other time. Did Thor seriously think he was that poor of a fighter, that he did not even question it? He had allowed the mortals to feel as though they were strong. He fell back and acted weaker, to give them more of a fighting chance. Why did Thor not notice? He knows he is stronger then that. Doesn't he?

If he had truly been trying to take over Midgard, He would have obliterated all the leaders and their military outfits on the whole realm before they even knew there was an attack!

In fact, there would be no attack. He would simply take over. Especially having mind control abilities at his disposal! He could have taken control of all the world's leaders! Their military! Fury even! If had taken Fury, nobody would have assembled the avengers! He had to leave him free, or nobody would be able to stop him.

Then there was the fact they had video footage of his arrival. Could Thor not see the condition he had been in? He was sickly and pale, limping and weak. The mortals _helped_ him walk out of the facility for Norns sakes!

Thanos had made sure he was afraid to fail before sending him through the portal. Loki had healed most of the way, but he still had been visibly struggling! Thor could not possibly think it had been an act. Why would he act weak when starting a war?

Thoughts of how and why the invasion went the way it did circled in his head over and over. Wondering how the details had been missed. That Thor must truly think so little of him. So ready to label him the villain. So ready to disown him. To be done with him. To discard him.

Thor had seemed all to happy to hand him over to be someone else's problem. Thor said he had mourned Loki's death, but he was not sure he believed it. Not after what he had said before throwing him to the mortals to be punished. Not caring what his side of the tale may be.

Not believing for a moment, that Loki may have had good intentions.

**About a month-**

He struggled with vivid memories of the sanctuary. He had several panic and PTSD attacks. He didn't know how long they lasted, as there was nobody on the outside to bring him out of it or give information of his actions.

He did not know how much time passed even when lucid. There was no clock, schedule, or sunlight to determine it. He relived the tortures repeatedly, and they became more and more real as time went on. The pain started feeling exceptionally real and agonizing.

He knew he screamed through the muzzle on many occasions. He knew he thrashed and fought invisible chitauri or even Thanos himself. He must have looked insane. Maybe he was. How long can one live like this before they break?

This was one situation he did not have to endure at the Sanctuary, as he never had a shortage of beings who wanted to torment and use him.

This was better. This was easier. He could handle this....but for how long? Was this forever? He still had at least 4000 years to live without alterations. He had been cursed to never die though. He could be in the mortals 'care' for several millennia.

Though he did not expect the organization holding him would last that long. Midgard was known for it's rapid change, nothing lasted more then a few decades. A fact that delighted the chaos in Loki. He could hold out a few decades for change. Right?

**A few more weeks-**

They had not brought him any food yet, and he was thinning quite a bit. He has not showered, and had needed it before his capture. Blood and dirt crusted his armour. He smelled, as it has been many weeks, maybe months of just sitting or pacing in this warm stale room. He sweat during nightmares and flash backs, at times, soaking his clothing.

He removed part of his top occasionally, to cool down, and because the filthy torn and crusted garment was uncomfortable. But he did not want anyone coming in while he was exposed, possibly getting ideas.

The muzzle stank underneath, sweat, blood and bad breath from no dental hygiene brewing in the small amount of non circulating air. It cut into his cheeks, scabbing and reopening repeatedly. His flesh was probably starting to grow around it.

One of the worst things of the situation, was the poorly functioning toilet. It flushed part of it away, not ever truly disposing of it all. The toilet itself needed cleaning, from containing dirty water so often. It smelled horrendous. Loki never truly became used to the smell.

He hated using it, knowing it could worsen it. He had no way to wash afterwards and his hands were likely disgustingly covered in grime. The paper for wiping away waste was extremely thin and flimsy.

Water would likely become his first real complication, and very soon. It would be miserable if he repeatedly died from dehydration and starvation, retuning to the same body each time. He would last a little less each time until it was a very short cycle of life and death. There would be more time spent with Hel though. With visits that frequent, they could almost hold a choppy conversation. Loki smirked humorlessly.

Though, the more he thought of the decades of solitude he likely had ahead of him, the more appealing that seemed.

After his thoughts slowed and fogged, he realized he had been speaking his thoughts out loud and muffled by the muzzle. He was going to be insane for sure by the time this was through. Though, if it never was through, He supposed it wouldn't matter and could make it more entertaining.

Maybe he should embrace the insanity. Also dying. Then he wouldn't be alone. He did always like solitude, but he had never went more than a day without seeing SOMEONE.

Maybe he could speed up death. He wondered if he could find a way to prolong his visits with Hel, before returning to his body. It would give him a goal.

To die fast, and stay dead longer. Norns his stomach and throat hurt.

**Another month, or so he thinks-**

He would have marked days, if he had any idea of when they started and ended. Perhaps it had only been a few weeks...or a year....he really could only guess. His internal clock judged it to be about 3 months now. No interactions with any other person. No food. No water. No washing. White. Light. It was always so bright.

He couldn't sleep in the beginning because of the bright light. Now he dozed off here and there, in any place or position. At times he couldn't tell dreams from awake. Sometimes his dreams were of sitting in the bright white room, and awake he hallucinated that he was elsewhere. Often the Sactuary.

He watched as his hallucinated self scolding him. "You are pathetic Loki. They have done nothing, and you are already breaking. So _weak_. Have you no pride?"

He shook his head. When he responded, the speech was in his head, with some mumbled sounds through the muzzle. The hallucinations seemed to understand well enough though. "No...I do not. What would the point be? Who is there to pretend to? Pride would not do me any good."

His hallucination of himself scoffed at him. "I am embarrassed to be associated with you. Everyone in all the nine, want no association with you. You should just kill yourself." Loki buried his face in his hands. "I know....I wish I could stop existing....I do not know how! Death is not an escape, or I would be actively trying to accomplish that. It would be a sweet release! I wish for my death more then any other being in the nine."

The hallucination shifted and was now Thor, crouching in front of him with a look of disdain. "Giving up already _Brother_? Three months is not much time. How weak of you to be so broken already." Loki shook his head in denial. "I am not! I am not weak! You have no idea what I have been through, because you would not let me tell you! You would not last half the amount of time I have!"

Thor smirked and scoffed, standing up and staring down at him. "Well, I would never be weak enough to find myself in your situation. You are worthless Loki. You can't even fail properly. You are basically good for nothing. The Norns would do the Nine a favor if they wiped you from existence."

Loki looked up at Thor, hurt and desperate. "But I was trying to save it! I was trying to do right by Asgard! By you! By everyone! I did everything I could! What more could I have done!" Thor just smirked in disgust.

"You could have _stayed_ in the void. You could have stayed with _Thanos_ and let him treat you as you should be treated. A useless Frost Giant _Whore_. You _were_ their whore, were you not? Did you _love_ it? Did you _moan_ for them? Spread your legs and _beg_ for them to fill your cunt?"

Loki stared in hurt and shock. "N-no! Of course not! I mean, they did use me....often...But I _hated_ every minute of it! I _never_ want to have sex again! It is _vile_ and _disgusting_! I fought them,Thor! I never submitted or made it easy! You _must_ believe me!"

Thor snorted. "But you were still too weak. Weren't you Loki. Do you think _I_ would have allowed them to use me? Of course not. Because I am a _true_ warrior. A _real_ man. You have always been weaker. Been Argr."

Loki was scrunched in a ball, fists gripping chunks of hair and shaking his head. "STOP! Please just stop! I am _not_! I am not! Not weak! Not Argr! I...I....I........*sob*...please....just _go_ away...." Thor crouched close to him, whispering in his ear.

"I never want to see your worthless ergi, jotun ass again, Loki. Stay here and never return. You are no brother to me, and have no place near me. You only bring pain to those around you. You deserve this. Take it like the man you will _never_ be."

Loki wailed out a loud sob. He felt so alone. So unwanted, useless, hated even.

His body shook with his violent sobs.

* * *

Progress charts and scans of the Alien's room were up on the monitors. An agent studied them, and watched the footage of all the breakdowns, flash backs, talking to himself through the muzzle, pacing, everything.

One would think it would be dull, but it fascinated Stefan. He had been in charge of Loki's care and been charged with breaking him. He had an outline. A plan. It was going very well.

It was almost four months, and He had learned so much already. The fact the God still had any energy, let alone was alive, spoke volumes to his bodies superiority to humans.

He could not wait to start testing it and seeing if they could replicate any of it. He was about ready to start phase two. Maybe in another month. Five months would be a good timeframe.

The God was barely at the level a human would be at one month. Stefan could be patient. Soon he would have access to Hydra's research facility too. Until then, he might as well let the God mentally break down.


	4. Insane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is going crazy.
> 
> There is Non-Con in this Chapter

**several more days**

Star bursts and streamers plagued Loki's vision now. He lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He rarely slept now, and when he did, it was short and disturbed.

His vision was blurry and he kept seeing things move that made him jump or twitch, when they weren't really there. He could hear a high pitched ring, that occasionally sounded like chitauri screams. It made him on edge constantly. Heart racing, adrenaline surging. His skin tingled from it.

He was itchy too. His scalp, his flaky dirty skin. He was sure he had bugs crawling on him at times. Possibly the ones Midgardians get in their hair. Though he wasn't sure how they would have gotten there. His hair was a greasy mass of tangled waves. The amount of grease weighing it down, made it feel wet constantly. The only good thing about it was that the wet feel helped cool his scalp.

He had constant unwanted hallucinated companions now, and heard disembodied voices often. At times he could not get comfortable, twitching and shifting, pacing and rocking. Other times it was as if he had left his body. Completely still, mind feeling elsewhere and disconnected.

He was pacing as he rocked now, scratching his thinned arms in a frenzy. His Mother's hallucination stood off to the side, looking disapproving. "Loki, stop scratching! It's unbecoming of a prince to act in such a way! And for Norns sakes stop pacing! Sit down!"

He rounded on her, yelling in her face. "You have no right to tell me what to do! You left me here to suffer alone! Unwanted and discarded! How I cope with it is my business! Stop judging me, and leave! You are not wanted here!"

Hallucinated Odin came up behind him, and yelled equally forceful in Loki's face. "You do _not_ talk to your Mother that way! It is no fault of hers that you are here! She is the _only one_ that cares at all that you are suffering, so show care in how you treat her!"

Loki turned away, gritting his weakening teeth. "She is not my Mother. A Mother would not allow this for her son, without allowing him to defend himself before the court! You are glad I am here, I know it to be true! You _want_ me to suffer! To no longer be your burden!"

Odin took on a look of mirth. "Yes. I want you to suffer. You have been a thorn in my eye since you could talk. I would have tossed you back onto Jötunheimr, if your Mother had not have stopped me. I wish for Thanos takes you back. He will put you in your rightful place! You arrogant foolish boy!"

Loki faltered back a step. He clutched his pounding head and started pacing and rocking again. "You are not real....You are not real....It is all in my head...."

He heard Thor's boisterous laugh. "Yes, it is all in your head, because you are insane Loki. Even if you come to Asgard now, you will be too broken for being recognized as a prince, or associated with the royal family. You will be an embarrasment. An outcast. A burden and scurge on society. It is best you stay here. In this room. Where you can not hurt anyone. You can not cause any more suffering here. You can rot, and we can be in peace."

Loki leaned his back against the opposite wall as Thor, and slid down it. "I know. I stay here, The realms continue in peace. I can not die, so this is the closest thing, I suppose." Thor got up and walked arrogantly to the center of the room, looking down his nose at the broken, huddled man.

"Yes. You must accept your place Loki. But, maybe your place isn't in this facility. Perhaps it is at the Sanctuary as Father said, appeasing the Titan so he does not attack Asgard. We could offer you as part of a bargain to save Asgard or Earth. Do you suppose he Would want his _pet whore_ back?"

Thor stalked closer to him, looking viscous. Loki scrambled to stand and wanted to melt into the wall. But as he opened his eyes, it was Ebony Maw instead of Thor.

What? No!

"Turn around, young mage. Take your due pain with grace." Loki struggled to keep his composure, but managed to look defiant. He spat at the lanky creature. "Why would I make _anything_ easy for you? Where is the fun in that?" 

The chains above him attached to the post that was behind him, snaked down and clamped onto his wrists, yanking them up and twisting him around until he was in Maw's desired position. "Where indeed. I do not mind your defiance. It is much more entertaining to break someone with spirit. Now wait here like a good boy until the master comes for you."

He could tell he was alone after the footsteps faded, as he could no longer smell the stench of the others there. The peace didn't last long though. The heavy power filled presence of the mad Titan filled the room as he entered, causing Loki to shiver. He rested his forehead forward in the post, eyes closed and mentally bracing for what was to come.

Large hands rubbed up and down his sides, before gripping the fabric and ripping it off. "We won't be needing such coverings now, will we little prince?" Loki didn't bother answering, just focused on keeping his breath steady.

"Loki, Loki, Loki....what am I to do with you? The methods of the Chitauri seem to be not working. The Other is proving to be incompetent. But I can not afford the failure of turning you to my own little mage. You are the only one that can accomplish what I need. So we will do whatever it takes, to brake you. To make you my son."

Thanos leaned down and sniffed at his neck. "Ah good, they bathed you before bringing you to me. Excellent. How would you like this to go little one? Would you like to cooperate, and allow yourself to be prepared for me, or proceed like last time and be painfully forced?"

Loki ground his teeth. He did not want it to hurt like last time. Last time was awful. But...."I will never cooperate with you. You are vermin. A plague on the realms! I will always fight you."

Thanos hummed in acknowledgment, and Loki saw his sly smile from his peripheral vision. Damn. This was gong to hurt. "Very well little one. Have it your way. We have plenty of time to try again next time."

The cuffs were released and large hands gripped his arms, lifting him off the ground as he was carried over to the large stone throne. He squirmed and thrashed, feeling like a caught fish. The panic of what he knew was to come started to kick in and he arched and fought in desperation. Why did he have to be so stubborn and proud?

His body was shifted so that Thanos held him with one arm wrapped around his torso, as the Titan turned and sat down. Thanos rubbed his nose into the crook of Loki's neck, nibbling down it. His free hand slid down the back of Loki's pants, groping his smooth firm ass. With a groan, his pants were ripped off, and a finger pushed up into him.

The finger alone was large, and he struggled to relax his muscles and not bare down on it. He stilled, panting with eyes squeezed shut. The finger pulled out, only to reinsert with slick goop. It was only pressed in and out a few times before it was removed and Thanos repositioned him.

Here it was. The worst part. He held his breath, and tried to relax, as he bit his lip. Then intense burning pain shot through his whole torso as he was pulled down forcefully on the massive cock, not stopping till he was resting on the Titan's pelvis.

He squirmed instinctively, trying to escape the intrusion and pain. Of course with no success. "Ah, little mage....This will go much too quick if you continue to clench and squirm." He lifted Loki like a doll and rotated him to straddle the large purple exposed thighs. The breath was knocked out of him as he was shoved back down. He threw his head back as shouts of his agony reverberating off the stone walls. In this position, he couldn't move around as much, and the Titan handled and moved him like a puppet.

Please just be over! Please just end! Just let me die!

His mental monolog was chanting incoherently. He was lifted and slammed down in a quick forceful rhythm. He knew he had large tears that only grew with the harsh treatment. Blood trickled down The ugly purple inner thighs.

He was relieved as he passed out from a jerked thrust, ripping him open more.

Loki woke with a start, realizing he was on the floor of his cell. Bright lights beaming down on him. It was a flashback....It was just a flashback.

Even so, His body ached and throbbed with phantom pain.

He curled up into a ball, holding himself tight, and wailed his distress at the intensely realistic memory.


	5. The Avengers Have a Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stark shares some research he put together, Clint shares part of his experiance under control.

The squeak of the office chair annoyed Steve, as Tony swiveled it back and forth, twirling a pencil in his hand, the other poking at the clear screen projection. "Stark! Please! Stop making the chair squeak!" Tony stopped moving, then slowly turned to face Steve, which made him shift nervously.

"Oh I'm sorry, is my working methods distracting you from your spectating? You are free to leave Captain, if the noises from my chair offend your sensitive ears too much." He whipped back to face the monitors.

Steve huffed out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. "You don't have to be so ornery about it. It's just a bit loud." Stark didn't move away or stop what he was doing.

"Uh huh. Super sorry soldier, I can't bring myself to care. So, do you have any more information to add to the timeline and facts? 'Cause if not, it WOULD be helpful cupcake, if you made us lunch." Tony teased with a grin at him before acting as though he had never been interrupted.

Steve rolled his eyes. "I guess that is all I can help with, so yeah. I will go make your _majesty_ a royal sandwich." Stark flashed another grin at him, "Thanks _sweetheart_! Appreciate it!" Steve shook his head in annoyance as he headed upstairs.

He gave a small wave to the two assassins at the bar of the kitchen. "Hey guys. You eat yet?" They both shook their heads and they shifted to face him. Clint grinned at him, "Nope. Does that mean you intend to make us somth'n? 'Cause that would be really great." Rogers graced Clint with an irritated but tolerant smile.

"Yeah, ok. I was going to make sandwiches, are ya'll up for that? Because I won't make anything else. You either eat it, or make your own. That's my biggest kitchen rule. "

Natasha wore a fake considering expression, "Huh. I would have though it to be more along the lines of, wash your hands and change into proper attire, before coming to the table." Clint laughed, "Yeah, or keep your napkin on your lap...or maybe place all the silverware in the proper order."

They were chuckling and teasing at Steve's expense. Which to be fair, he had not realized those were no longer proper manners. "Funny guys. I apologise for accidentally shaking too much pepper on your tuna in a few minutes." Natasha scowled,

"Now you wouldn't do that to little old me, would you? That is more evil then I would have thought you capable of!" Clint snorted his drink onto the counter. "Captain America? Evil? I don't see how that is possible. He's the main boy scout of the _world_."

Steve glanced up at them, exasperated. "I'm not perfect guys. I don't think boy scouts hurt people." Clint nodded with a false solemn face. "True. I've never seen a boy scout wear tights either, so..."

Steve threw an egg at Clint and it cracked against the back of his head. He whipped around, hand flying up to the goopy mess. Natasha definitely did NOT giggle, then slap a hand to her mouth to muffle it.

Stark halted in the doorway. "What on earth is going on here children? Daddy goes to work for a few hours, and you break out into a food fight? Without _me_?" He shook his head in mock disbelief as he walked further into the room. He threw up a hand and turned his body to shield his tablet when he saw the egg flying at him. It crashed into his palm, then leaked to the ground.

He sternly pointed at Rogers. "You're gonna have to pay for that Captain." Steve smirked at him and shrugged. "They were saying I have no evil in me. I had to prove them wrong. Stark gave an approving half grin, before plopping down on a stool. That _swivels_. And _squeaks_. He slowly turned it to face the bar, the squeak slow and piercing.

Steve groaned. " _Really_ Stark? How old are you?" Stark Pointed quickly at him, "NOT as old as you grandpa! Besides, I owed you." He placed the tablet on the counter, swiped and pressed some things on it, and a projection of an evidence board. Pictures and post it notes placed around and red lines connecting them in a web of facts. 

"Ok kiddos, listen up. I've taken what we know and some of what we don't, and made up a detective board for solving the mystery that is Loki. I have come to a conclusion, but I would like to see what you make of it, before I give my two cents."

They all took seats at the table, facing Tony at the bar. Tony enlarged it and tossed the image towards them. It moved over to hover over the table. They each studied it, Clint muttering to himself, Steve hmm and huh'ing. Stark called quietly up to Jarvis. "Hey Jarv, can you summon Brucie bear up here please? Thanks."

It was an hour before they started discussing their theories and conclusions. Stark had dosed off, leaning on a fist. But was now listening to their discussion.

Steve was pointing at a section, "I don't see how we KNOW this...It's just speculation, right? Could be wrong...."

He was pointing to a blurry photo of his fight with Loki in Stuttgart. The post it said, 'Loki didn't use all of his strength and let Captain America win.' Clint snorted and Bruce smothered a smile by cleaning his glasses. Stark hopped off the stool, shoved his hands in his pockets, and strode over to the table.

"Uh, actually we DO know. You've seen Thor fight. He was crushing my suit like a soda can. You're shield stopped his hammer, but you are not your shield. If he is about as strong as Thor, those maneuvers you used to take Loki down, would not have worked. _Plus_ , he just gave up right as the Natasha and I got there. He _wanted_ to be caught. It's so obvious. We _all_ knew it."

Bruce nodded, placing his clasped hands to rest on his stomach. "Yeah. He smiled at me when they brought him on board. He definitely wasn't concerned about being caught. He was up to something. Though what, I'm still not sure."

Natasha pressed her lips together in thought. "I'm not really sure I tricked him into eluding to his plan, or if he pretended to be surprised. Or if that had not been his plan at all, and I failed to pick up on what he wanted. I think he _wanted_ us to have the staff. The longer we had it, the more contention we all felt. We almost broke into a fight. The staff influences, _without_ a handler doing it. If Loki was in possession of it constantly...."

Stark pointed a pencil at her. "Exactly! So, he _was_ being influenced by this staff, right? He basically hands it to us, but _why_? To mess with our loyalties? Or to get a break from it _himself_? Clear his head a bit maybe? I would say to break us up, but then he basically told us where he would be, and _waited_ for us to get there."

Clint muttered into his palm, which supported his chin. "Or maybe he's stupid and is obvious in his plans." Natasha elbowed him. "Except that we know he is _not_ stupid. Thor said he was a _lead_ strategist, and _rarely_ failed against wars with other realms. Do you really think _Earth_ would be harder to beat than the other realms? Realms with _magic_ and _space_ travel?"

Tony shifted over to another part of the screen, and pointed to another cluster. "So yeah, on that line, we come over here. This is what _Thor_ has told us about Loki, and traits we _think_ he has. OK, so he's smart, clever, a strategist, He fights alongside Thor, so a good fighter. His domain as a God is manipulation and tricks. Do you _really_ think a GOD of deception, would be that easy to figure out, unless he _wanted_ us to?"

Natasha looked straight at Tony. "Why? _Why_ would he want us to? If all of this is leading to the conclusion I _think_ you believe it is....then the real question is, _why_? Why throw the fight? Why lead us by the nose to defeat him?"

Steve was tapping his fingers on the table, "Another thing on here, that had bothered me when I took the time to think about it, was that he _cloned_ me." He gestured to a grainy photo from Jarvis, of when Loki had mimicked Steve. "I wasn't sure why it was getting under my skin at the time, but after a while it hit me."

Natasha nodded and finished for him, "Then why did he not use that ability to beat us? To confuse and infiltrate us? That's a very good question." Stark put both hands up, palms to the ceiling, "You see? It's so _obvious_. I feel like an idiot that I didn't see it at the time."

Steve Held his chin in thought. "He must have wanted to go back to Asgard..." Clint furrowed his brow, "Why do you say that?" Steve put his hand on the table, tracing the fake wood grain with a nail. "Because of his reaction when he found out he _wasn't_ going to Asgard. The results of his defeat, did not go as planned, and he panicked, wanting to discuss it with Thor."

Natasha hummed in agreement, "hmmm, so what outcome did he want? To lose...To give Thor the tesseract....and to go back to Asgard? Where was he before the invasion? Why could he not go back to Asgard without it?" Clint groaned and buried his face in his hands.

"I _hate_ him. I just want to see him pay for what he _did_ to me!" They all looked at him confused. Stark folded his arms, and looked at Clint like a curiosity. "Right.....ok, but why did you say that just _now_? Do you know something that would make it so he _doesn't_ suffer?"

Everyone watched quietly. He did not talk right away, just groaned into the table. "........mmmmnnn.....yes. I guess so...." the others were starting to feel annoyed and frustrated. Natasha decided to probe him further. "Clint? What do you know that we don't?"

Stark was tapping his foot, and a few fingers, feeling anxious. "Come on Legolas, spill it." Clint sat back with a deep inhale. He glanced around at all those staring at him. He licked his lips, and fidgeted, turning his gaze to a small throwing knife he pulled from its sheath. He spun it on it's tip, digging it slightly into the table.

"I just....He....He was a _bit_ beat up, when he arrived on Earth. I had to help him into the truck. And while I was with him....I hate to admit it, but he was... pleasant. To talk to. It felt normal. Like a comradery. But then sometimes, he would settle somewhere, sit there with his staff, then blanked out for a while. I kinda thought he was meditating the first time...." He rubbed the handle between his finger and thumb.

Bruce looked around at everyone, wondering if he wasn't getting something everyone else was, "....But? What? If he wasn't meditating-" Clint abruptly interrupted, "He was visiting a master or something. Getting directions, I think. But he would jerk, like he had been hit. And afterwards, he would be on edge and act more urgent. More clipped when speaking with us. More impatient, for a while. Eventually he would relax, and things would be casual business again. He even joked around with me sometimes. He seemed amused, maybe even fond of Selvig and how excited he would get while studying the cube. He wanted to take care of us. Cared about us. I had to teach him a bit of what that entails, but he listened and did just about anything I said."

Clint gripped the handle and folded his arms, hiding his face in them. "....I'm such an awful person...." Natasha gently touched his shoulder. "Why do you think that?" Clint burst up and out of his chair, pacing the room in frustration.

"Because! Because he wasn't really a _bad_ guy! But I _wanted_ to place blame. I _wanted_ to hate him. I wanted to believe that any fond or kind memories were because of the mind control. I wanted to be done with it and not think about it any more. But...now....I'm fairly sure, he was being manipulated. I don't think he _really_ wanted Earth. I think he was trying to _escape_ bad people. Like when someone wants to leave a gang. You have to be careful, or they just _kill_ you."

The room was quiet, considering what Clint was saying. They all startled though, when Clint threw the knife to the wall, pinning a fly with a solid thud. They were even more surprised though, when it disappeared, reappearing in Clints hand. He stared at it, like it had answers.

"He gave me this. It will always return to the one it is spelled to. He didn't want me to ever risk being unarmed. He had to cut his hand, to get blood for the transfer of ownership." His arms dropped to his side, and he sagged. He glanced once more at everyone, and left the room.

They were silent a while longer, watching the empty doorway Clint went through. Bruce groaned and removed his glasses to rub his face with both hands. "What have we done...." He moaned the words, not really asking. Stark began fidgeting again, then pacing.

"So...are we in agreement that Loki should not be getting a severe punishment? That we need to hear his story? He may even be a _good_ guy....We don't really know his motives, but he doesn't sound like the _villain_ we had thought."

They all seemed to agree. Natasha tapped a finger to the table. "So what are we going to _do_ about it? It's not like we can hold a trial or break him out. We would have to convince some pretty high up people to even look into it."

Stark stroked his goatee thinking. "Mmm, yeah....I don't think I'm going to do that. At least not yet." Natasha stood slowly, and fixed Stark with a warning stare. "Stark....what are you thinking?" He flashed a smile at her and started gathering his tablet and things.

"Can't tell you Honeybuns. You're part of the big wig crew. The less you know, the better." He winked at her and strolled out the door.

She breathed in slow and steady. This could get messy.


End file.
